Thursday, October 21, 2010

Some days you just have to thank God that your bad days arent worse!

You never really know just how good you have it, until you see someone that has it worse!

Yeah my baby daddy left me! But I found someone who actually wants to be there for me and Alex.

Yeah hardly any of my friends came to my baby shower! But the ones that did are my true friends. And I saw just how amazing my family is.

Yeah I lost a best friend this year. But it was because shes a liar and not a true friend and the only thing she brings with her is drama and lies and I just dont need that in my life.

And when I think of all the "bad" things, they arent really that bad. (no my life is not so perfect that the only things I have to worry about are bad friends and getting dumped, the rest I just really dont want to put on here)

My mother told me today of a girl who is about my age that came into her store. She was buying things for her baby shower. She was throwing one for herself since no one else would. I about cried! How sad is that?! I want to go there and just hug her and tell her everything is going to be ok, and that if she needs a friend that Ill be there.

I know I can be selfish! Hello, who cant? But when I think of all the little things that Ive got Im one lucky girl! I have a man who thinks the world of me. A beautiful healthy child who I could be more proud of. And a family that wants to help me succeed no matter what!

My life, no matter who hard I think it is at the moment, could be alot worse! And Im very thankful that my bad days arent that bad anymore!

Wednesday, October 6, 2010

Life is not about giving up, its about pushing forward!

But sometimes, just admit it, you want to throw in the towel.

At least I do.

Man life has been stressful lately. Work has been crazy but its a job. And pumping at work is going better, finally!

And me and the new guy are still going strong. He even wants to watch Alex when Im at work. Hes such a great man. Im just hoping it lasts!

Oh and Alex... well as of Sunday he has two teeth and is crawling!!!! OMG where did this crawling come from. It was like on Saturday he couldnt do anything besides army crawl.. now you cant keep him away from something unless hes in baby jail, aka the playpen!

Other than that, Im super excited for Alexs first Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas!!

Saturday, August 28, 2010

Somethings just arent ment to be.

Like friendships.

That's just to name a few. I know I'm being such a pessimist. But anymore I cant help it. For the first time in a long time, aka pre being a mommy, I put myself back out there. And you know what I got shot down again. Ok, so maybe I'm exaggerating just a little. But not much I promise. I left Alex alone with my mother for 5-6 hours a day for three days in a row to train to be a Breastfeeding Peer Counselor. There were 3 other girls training for the position. I knew that there was a chance that I wouldn't get it. I knew that going into all of it. But I figured since I had better recommendations that I would get it. Well I didn't. They choose someone else. And this coming just 3 months after the baby daddy decides that being a dad is to much and chooses something/someone else over family kills me. And I know that it is in no way, shape, or form the same thing. But rejection is rejection and it hurts just the same.

Now on to the friendships. I had a bff from high school that I talked to on a pretty regular basis. We shall call her Mrs. Know-It-All, or Mrs. KIA for short. Well me and Mrs. KIA go way back. Like Freshman year of high school. And for some reason I figured since we went through hell aka high school together that she was a friend indeed. But sadly in this roller coaster we call life that is not always the case. Come to find out she doesn't and never did want me and the new boyfriend together. Not even a little bit. Even though she says it was her ideal to hook us up. She has been talking alot of bad things about me and said new boyfriend behind our backs and behind my other bff, we shall call her Mrs. Smith, back as well. Can I just say I'm almost 20 years old (yea I know I still don't know jack shit about life but I have learned alot in my short little years). I don't have time or the patience to deal with childish bull crap. Its petty and I really wanted to leave all that stuff behind ya know when we put on our cap and gown and graduated from high school!! I'm over being the one that's trying to keep the peace. I have a child to raise and I'm going to try my hardest to be the best momma I can to him. And if that means some people get left behind then oh well. If you don't want to be in my new drama free life (ha ha like that will ever happen) then you can just stay out of it.

I never really understood the quote "Any man can make a baby, but it takes a real man to raise one" until now. Yea I know. Me and the Boyfriend haven't been together long. Just a couple of months, but its crazy on how much I care for him and dare say I love him already! Hes so amazing to me. Like when I was going through training he took off work the last day and he was going to surprise me by being the one to pick me up instead of my mom and take me to get my hair cut all with out me knowing... but his surprise got ruined because they let class be only an hour on the last day and I had to tell him the change of time because that meant he could pick me up after all. But it was still so sweet to know that he went through all that trouble to try to make that day so special for me! And hes so good to Alex. In the past two months(but its actually been longer) he has done more for my son than his piece of crap dad has. Alex's dad has only bought 2 packs of diapers and one tub of wipes in 3 months. And he FINALLY went and paid his child support yesterday! And because life is never fair I do not get back child support or anything of that nature. Oh well!! Life goes on, and for the most part everything is getting way better :D

And as for experiences... well that just goes along with everything else. Kinda like the butterfly effect. Because I didn't get the job I wont know what its like to help some breastfeed or convince them that they need to. Because me and Alex's dad aren't together Ill never get to see him come down the hallway on Christmas morning to his "family". Because I'm getting rid of the drama and the friend that is causing most of it I wont be there when her child is born. But since I am older and wiser at least by 10 minutes, I'm going to make the best of things and look on the bright side for once. I wont know what it feels like to help someone breastfeed in a job sitting. But I can still help someone. And just because me and Alex's dad aren't together that doesn't mean his "family" is lost, he has gained a new and better one. And Just because I wont get to be there for one friends birth Ill get to be there for the rest of them and that might now make up for it entirely, but the no stress will.

Friday, August 6, 2010

Ever have those moments?

Those moments where you have to decide to give up or to forge on.

I'm at that moment right now. I'm tired of not knowing where to go in my life. I'm tired of looking down at my son and wondering and not knowing if hes going to be proud of me when he gets older. I'm tired of always wondering what if. So I have decided that I'm not going to stress anymore.

Ive taken the first steps I need to achieve this "don't sweat the small stuff" mind set. Ive applied for a job, and I go for training on the 16-20. I applied for child support, and I'm just waiting on the judge to sign the papers. I have re-applied for college and I'm going to be a clinical lab tech. Ive taken the steps to find child care and get a new car and the all important licence. Wish me luck with all thats on my plate.

Saturday, July 10, 2010

Can I mention how much I suck at this?

I want to be a blogger. I want to log all my thoughts and moments and be able to reflect on them later. But the truth is that I just cant seem to do that. I'm horrible at finding the time for myself. Heck Ive not had one date with me and the Newbie. Alex is always with me.

Which I don't find to be a bad thing, unless you add in the fact that I'm super stressed out all the time thanks to my piece of crap sperm donor of an ex. He hasn't bought a pack of diapers for his son in 2 months. But he sure has bought enough liquor to stock 2 bars. I guess I know now why me and him weren't working. He still wants to party and I want to raise my/our son! He has missed so much already. He hasn't seen him roll over. Or the first time he pulled himself into a sitting position (it wasn't long but it happened).

There are times when I wish we were back together. Ill admit that. They are very few and far apart but there are times. I just want Alex to have a happy childhood and not have to deal with all the craziness that comes from having slit parents. And to be honest I don't want to deal with all the drama his dad bring to the equation. He makes me feel like a horrible parent because I expect him to step up and be a man. I mean hes almost 24 years old. I know I'm just 19 (20 in two months woo-hoo... only not so much) but I feel like i have grown up so much. I quit begging him to change. I quit expecting it for the most part.

And I am taking all kinds of steps in my life to better it for my son and myself. First off. Get. A. Job. I can pretty much say check. Its not 100% sure yet, and i very well may not get it. But I applied for the Breast Feeding Peer Counselor position at my local health dept. I could be more excited about it. I mean I love breast feeding. And I think it takes someone who has breastfeed and knows the pains and the joy of it to true understand it. And I really want to help other moms out with it. I have two friends that work at the health dept. and they put in good words for me.. heck one even recommended me for it before she knew if I would want it yet. And Ill forever love her for that.

Im also going to try to go back to school. And Im going to get my own place and how soon that one happens depends on the whole job thing. And I wont know about it until the end of the month or sometime at the beginning of August! Im also going to try to get a new car. And maybe just maybe everything will work out and my life will get back on track.

And I guess I need to start writing more often so my entries wont be so long and someone might actually read them. lol

Thursday, July 1, 2010

New baby, new life... new me!

Sooo.. let me tell you how awesome my life has been since my son was born!! My life will never ever be the same. Hes my love and my life and I'm so glad that the birth control failed and lead to him. But the devil called Post-Pardom Depression came into my life when he was born too. PPD is something that I never thought would happen to me. I mean yea i had a hard pregnancy, and I had a ruff two weeks after he was born. But I just thought it was due to the baby blues and having a hard time with breast feeding. But it got worse. I never left the house and when I did the baby was always en tow. Which I thought was what a mommy was suppose to do. No one told me to take time for not only myself, but time for WH too. No one told me that if I didn't things would just keep getting worse. And guess what... things got so bad WH left me. On. Mothers. Day. I shit you not. He packed up his stuff and left me on my very first mothers day. So WH isn't WH anymore... hes baby daddy. God I never thought at 19 Id have a baby daddy. Heck I never thought I would be a single mom either! Him leaving sent me even further into depression. The only reason I just didn't stay down in that dark pit like I wanted to was the fact that Alex depends on me. No one else is there take care of him, so its my job. And as stressful as that is, I wouldn't change it for the world!! But as I am still healing from the biggest heartbreak I have ever had I actually met someone. And he puts The Baby Daddy to shame. He takes care of me. He pampers me. He pampers Alex. He has put up with my craziness for the past 2 months. He holds me while I cry, and I dont mean the two or three tears fall type of crying. I mean the body shaking, snot pouring, screaming crying. He has watched me cry my eyes out over another guy and he has still stuck by me. Im not saying we are head over heels. Im not saying hes the one. But hes is doing one hell of a job putting my heart back together... and Im just going to pray that he doesnt finish smashing it!

Thursday, January 28, 2010

Yea, 35/35!

I finally made it to 35 weeks/ 35 days left.

I never thought this day would get here.. but it feels like a week ago I was just finding out that I was prego! I cant believe that my little man could be here any day. The doctor said yesterday that I was 50% effaced and still about 1 cm. Which I honestly don't know is good or bad. But since the doctor said it was OK I'm going with that! I'm not on bed rest anymore, thankfully I don't know how much more of that I could take. And I'm not on the terbutaline anymore. So as my doc but it, "if baby come, he comes" They aren't going to do anything to stop him.

I really hope he goes to 37 weeks just for my piece of mind, and so every tom, dick and harry will shut the hell up! I know they mean well I honestly do but damn BTFO. If my doctor who has delivered more baby's then you have popped out of yours says 35 weeks is OK then by George its OK and I'm not going to stress about it. Ive done more stressing out over the he said she said crap that I'm about to go nuts. I know that everyone tells you to let it go in one ear and out the other, but when its your own family constantly tell you shit over and over its hard to just smile and thanks for the advice! The best one so far is from a child hood friends mom, she says "I'm excited for you that the doctor says he ready, but I sure do hope he stays in the over a little bit longer, that would be so much better for him you know." No I honestly didn't know that, I thought he could have been born anytime and would have been fine... GRRR! Sorry prego hormones flaring up.

Speaking of crazy prego hormones... I almost had my baby shower canceled. Why you may ask? I felt like i was being a burden on my sisters who are throwing it for me.. I felt like if I didn't stay prego until then that the baby shower would be for nothing and I felt like my sisters were only doing it because I'm the baby and they think I cant provide for my child myself! I know craziness but that's the way I felt for about a week. It really doesn't help when one of them says "well I guess that we can do this, or that, but I don't think that would be very good for the party." I don't want to seem ungrateful so I gave them full reign of the party.. the only thing I got to go to help is say what flavor I want my cake, and invite some people. So as my other sister put it so wonderfully, "if we didn't want to throw it for you, we wouldnt!"

I hope i can get these damn things in check soon or else Im going to go nuts!

Friday, January 22, 2010

34 weeks!

How far along? 34 Weeks 1 day
Total weight gain/loss: Oh My God. like 53 lbs so far... WTF!!
Maternity clothes?oh yea couldnt go anywhere with out them
Sleep: still sucking more and more
Best moment this week: when I went to the doctor after my scare of pre-term labor and he said I hadnt changed...
Movement: all the time
Food cravings: whole wheat toast butter and apple jelly!
Gender: boy!!!
Labor Signs: 1 cm , about 65-70% effaced
Belly Button in or out? Out
Stretchmarks? new ones on the boobs, thighs, and hips... tons on the belly now(BOO) and oh yeah I now have some on my ass cheeks?
What I am looking forward to: Coming off bed rest and finally having my little man here!
Weekly Wisdom: If you think somethings wrong, go get checked out.
Milestones: 13 more days on Bed rest, and the baby has dropped...

Thursday, January 21, 2010

Pre-term Labor


Im on Trebutaline 5mg as needed when the contractions start back. The baby has dropped and Im at 1 cm but Im not all the way effaced! Im on bed rest for the next 2 weeks because they dont want him coming before 36 weeks. Im hopeing for a non-stressful two weeks. I get cabin fever really bad so Im thinking Im going to go crazy before its over..

Good news finally got good batteries for the camera... so I have a picture to share... and yea I know I look huge!!! And of course I had to include one of Karmin!

Monday, January 11, 2010

New in 2010!

Okay so I know I haven't wrote in a while.. okay more like a couple months. But here's an update for ya.
Me and WH have moved in with my mother. Yikes.
As yall know me and my mom don't get along that great, but since we have moved in me and her have only argued once. But I think she was doing it to mostly try to make me laugh, and it didn't work so well. But back to having to move into my mamas. I hate the fact that we aren't on our own anymore. It sucks, but on the upside I do have help during the first week after Alex makes is debut. And on another upside, we are saving way more than we did before. We help mom pay the bills, help buy groceries, and WH helps around the house I would say we help around the house but I learned that once you become so pregnant that you also become handicapped. My wonderful WH wont let me lift hardly anything and sometimes it does make me mad.. but at least he is showing he cares.

As of today I'm 32 weeks and 4 days. So that's 7 weeks and 3 days left. I cant believe he is almost here. Its crazy to think about it, but I'm so excited for it. I have my first baby shower this Saturday. Wh co-workers are throwing it for me and 2 of the girls he works with. Hopefully I get alot of really neat things, but I'm not going to hold my breath. And whenever my sisters get their schedule together then I'm having another baby shower for family and friends. Lets hope they get it together soon. I'm not ungrateful its just I'm starting to stress. ALOT. and I would like to know what all me and WH need to buy. I don't want to buy a bunch of stuff and then have 20 of the same thing because of the shower... So right now its breath, and relax and just rub the belly. LOL.

Also we start birthing classes tomorrow. They are from 7 pm to 9 pm. I know we are getting a late start on them but I wanted all that stuff to be as fresh in my mind as it could be.

Oh and as soon as I get a newer picture of the bump Ill post. BTW I have gained 40+ lbs so far. YIKES!!!