Saturday, July 10, 2010

Can I mention how much I suck at this?

I want to be a blogger. I want to log all my thoughts and moments and be able to reflect on them later. But the truth is that I just cant seem to do that. I'm horrible at finding the time for myself. Heck Ive not had one date with me and the Newbie. Alex is always with me.

Which I don't find to be a bad thing, unless you add in the fact that I'm super stressed out all the time thanks to my piece of crap sperm donor of an ex. He hasn't bought a pack of diapers for his son in 2 months. But he sure has bought enough liquor to stock 2 bars. I guess I know now why me and him weren't working. He still wants to party and I want to raise my/our son! He has missed so much already. He hasn't seen him roll over. Or the first time he pulled himself into a sitting position (it wasn't long but it happened).

There are times when I wish we were back together. Ill admit that. They are very few and far apart but there are times. I just want Alex to have a happy childhood and not have to deal with all the craziness that comes from having slit parents. And to be honest I don't want to deal with all the drama his dad bring to the equation. He makes me feel like a horrible parent because I expect him to step up and be a man. I mean hes almost 24 years old. I know I'm just 19 (20 in two months woo-hoo... only not so much) but I feel like i have grown up so much. I quit begging him to change. I quit expecting it for the most part.

And I am taking all kinds of steps in my life to better it for my son and myself. First off. Get. A. Job. I can pretty much say check. Its not 100% sure yet, and i very well may not get it. But I applied for the Breast Feeding Peer Counselor position at my local health dept. I could be more excited about it. I mean I love breast feeding. And I think it takes someone who has breastfeed and knows the pains and the joy of it to true understand it. And I really want to help other moms out with it. I have two friends that work at the health dept. and they put in good words for me.. heck one even recommended me for it before she knew if I would want it yet. And Ill forever love her for that.

Im also going to try to go back to school. And Im going to get my own place and how soon that one happens depends on the whole job thing. And I wont know about it until the end of the month or sometime at the beginning of August! Im also going to try to get a new car. And maybe just maybe everything will work out and my life will get back on track.

And I guess I need to start writing more often so my entries wont be so long and someone might actually read them. lol

Thursday, July 1, 2010

New baby, new life... new me!

Sooo.. let me tell you how awesome my life has been since my son was born!! My life will never ever be the same. Hes my love and my life and I'm so glad that the birth control failed and lead to him. But the devil called Post-Pardom Depression came into my life when he was born too. PPD is something that I never thought would happen to me. I mean yea i had a hard pregnancy, and I had a ruff two weeks after he was born. But I just thought it was due to the baby blues and having a hard time with breast feeding. But it got worse. I never left the house and when I did the baby was always en tow. Which I thought was what a mommy was suppose to do. No one told me to take time for not only myself, but time for WH too. No one told me that if I didn't things would just keep getting worse. And guess what... things got so bad WH left me. On. Mothers. Day. I shit you not. He packed up his stuff and left me on my very first mothers day. So WH isn't WH anymore... hes baby daddy. God I never thought at 19 Id have a baby daddy. Heck I never thought I would be a single mom either! Him leaving sent me even further into depression. The only reason I just didn't stay down in that dark pit like I wanted to was the fact that Alex depends on me. No one else is there take care of him, so its my job. And as stressful as that is, I wouldn't change it for the world!! But as I am still healing from the biggest heartbreak I have ever had I actually met someone. And he puts The Baby Daddy to shame. He takes care of me. He pampers me. He pampers Alex. He has put up with my craziness for the past 2 months. He holds me while I cry, and I dont mean the two or three tears fall type of crying. I mean the body shaking, snot pouring, screaming crying. He has watched me cry my eyes out over another guy and he has still stuck by me. Im not saying we are head over heels. Im not saying hes the one. But hes is doing one hell of a job putting my heart back together... and Im just going to pray that he doesnt finish smashing it!