Saturday, August 28, 2010

Somethings just arent ment to be.

Like friendships.

That's just to name a few. I know I'm being such a pessimist. But anymore I cant help it. For the first time in a long time, aka pre being a mommy, I put myself back out there. And you know what I got shot down again. Ok, so maybe I'm exaggerating just a little. But not much I promise. I left Alex alone with my mother for 5-6 hours a day for three days in a row to train to be a Breastfeeding Peer Counselor. There were 3 other girls training for the position. I knew that there was a chance that I wouldn't get it. I knew that going into all of it. But I figured since I had better recommendations that I would get it. Well I didn't. They choose someone else. And this coming just 3 months after the baby daddy decides that being a dad is to much and chooses something/someone else over family kills me. And I know that it is in no way, shape, or form the same thing. But rejection is rejection and it hurts just the same.

Now on to the friendships. I had a bff from high school that I talked to on a pretty regular basis. We shall call her Mrs. Know-It-All, or Mrs. KIA for short. Well me and Mrs. KIA go way back. Like Freshman year of high school. And for some reason I figured since we went through hell aka high school together that she was a friend indeed. But sadly in this roller coaster we call life that is not always the case. Come to find out she doesn't and never did want me and the new boyfriend together. Not even a little bit. Even though she says it was her ideal to hook us up. She has been talking alot of bad things about me and said new boyfriend behind our backs and behind my other bff, we shall call her Mrs. Smith, back as well. Can I just say I'm almost 20 years old (yea I know I still don't know jack shit about life but I have learned alot in my short little years). I don't have time or the patience to deal with childish bull crap. Its petty and I really wanted to leave all that stuff behind ya know when we put on our cap and gown and graduated from high school!! I'm over being the one that's trying to keep the peace. I have a child to raise and I'm going to try my hardest to be the best momma I can to him. And if that means some people get left behind then oh well. If you don't want to be in my new drama free life (ha ha like that will ever happen) then you can just stay out of it.

I never really understood the quote "Any man can make a baby, but it takes a real man to raise one" until now. Yea I know. Me and the Boyfriend haven't been together long. Just a couple of months, but its crazy on how much I care for him and dare say I love him already! Hes so amazing to me. Like when I was going through training he took off work the last day and he was going to surprise me by being the one to pick me up instead of my mom and take me to get my hair cut all with out me knowing... but his surprise got ruined because they let class be only an hour on the last day and I had to tell him the change of time because that meant he could pick me up after all. But it was still so sweet to know that he went through all that trouble to try to make that day so special for me! And hes so good to Alex. In the past two months(but its actually been longer) he has done more for my son than his piece of crap dad has. Alex's dad has only bought 2 packs of diapers and one tub of wipes in 3 months. And he FINALLY went and paid his child support yesterday! And because life is never fair I do not get back child support or anything of that nature. Oh well!! Life goes on, and for the most part everything is getting way better :D

And as for experiences... well that just goes along with everything else. Kinda like the butterfly effect. Because I didn't get the job I wont know what its like to help some breastfeed or convince them that they need to. Because me and Alex's dad aren't together Ill never get to see him come down the hallway on Christmas morning to his "family". Because I'm getting rid of the drama and the friend that is causing most of it I wont be there when her child is born. But since I am older and wiser at least by 10 minutes, I'm going to make the best of things and look on the bright side for once. I wont know what it feels like to help someone breastfeed in a job sitting. But I can still help someone. And just because me and Alex's dad aren't together that doesn't mean his "family" is lost, he has gained a new and better one. And Just because I wont get to be there for one friends birth Ill get to be there for the rest of them and that might now make up for it entirely, but the no stress will.

Friday, August 6, 2010

Ever have those moments?

Those moments where you have to decide to give up or to forge on.

I'm at that moment right now. I'm tired of not knowing where to go in my life. I'm tired of looking down at my son and wondering and not knowing if hes going to be proud of me when he gets older. I'm tired of always wondering what if. So I have decided that I'm not going to stress anymore.

Ive taken the first steps I need to achieve this "don't sweat the small stuff" mind set. Ive applied for a job, and I go for training on the 16-20. I applied for child support, and I'm just waiting on the judge to sign the papers. I have re-applied for college and I'm going to be a clinical lab tech. Ive taken the steps to find child care and get a new car and the all important licence. Wish me luck with all thats on my plate.