Saturday, July 10, 2010

Can I mention how much I suck at this?

I want to be a blogger. I want to log all my thoughts and moments and be able to reflect on them later. But the truth is that I just cant seem to do that. I'm horrible at finding the time for myself. Heck Ive not had one date with me and the Newbie. Alex is always with me.

Which I don't find to be a bad thing, unless you add in the fact that I'm super stressed out all the time thanks to my piece of crap sperm donor of an ex. He hasn't bought a pack of diapers for his son in 2 months. But he sure has bought enough liquor to stock 2 bars. I guess I know now why me and him weren't working. He still wants to party and I want to raise my/our son! He has missed so much already. He hasn't seen him roll over. Or the first time he pulled himself into a sitting position (it wasn't long but it happened).

There are times when I wish we were back together. Ill admit that. They are very few and far apart but there are times. I just want Alex to have a happy childhood and not have to deal with all the craziness that comes from having slit parents. And to be honest I don't want to deal with all the drama his dad bring to the equation. He makes me feel like a horrible parent because I expect him to step up and be a man. I mean hes almost 24 years old. I know I'm just 19 (20 in two months woo-hoo... only not so much) but I feel like i have grown up so much. I quit begging him to change. I quit expecting it for the most part.

And I am taking all kinds of steps in my life to better it for my son and myself. First off. Get. A. Job. I can pretty much say check. Its not 100% sure yet, and i very well may not get it. But I applied for the Breast Feeding Peer Counselor position at my local health dept. I could be more excited about it. I mean I love breast feeding. And I think it takes someone who has breastfeed and knows the pains and the joy of it to true understand it. And I really want to help other moms out with it. I have two friends that work at the health dept. and they put in good words for me.. heck one even recommended me for it before she knew if I would want it yet. And Ill forever love her for that.

Im also going to try to go back to school. And Im going to get my own place and how soon that one happens depends on the whole job thing. And I wont know about it until the end of the month or sometime at the beginning of August! Im also going to try to get a new car. And maybe just maybe everything will work out and my life will get back on track.

And I guess I need to start writing more often so my entries wont be so long and someone might actually read them. lol

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