Can I mention how much I suck at this?

I want to be a blogger. I want to log all my thoughts and moments and be able to reflect on them later. But the truth is that I just cant seem to do that. I'm horrible at finding the time for myself. Heck Ive not had one date with me and the Newbie. Alex is always with me.

Which I don't find to be a bad thing, unless you add in the fact that I'm super stressed out all the time thanks to my piece of crap sperm donor of an ex. He hasn't bought a pack of diapers for his son in 2 months. But he sure has bought enough liquor to stock 2 bars. I guess I know now why me and him weren't working. He still wants to party and I want to raise my/our son! He has missed so much already. He hasn't seen him roll over. Or the first time he pulled himself into a sitting position (it wasn't long but it happened).

There are times when I wish we were back together. Ill admit that. They are very few and far apart but there are times. I just want Alex to have a happy childhood and not have to deal with all the craziness that comes from having slit parents. And to be honest I don't want to deal with all the drama his dad bring to the equation. He makes me feel like a horrible parent because I expect him to step up and be a man. I mean hes almost 24 years old. I know I'm just 19 (20 in two months woo-hoo... only not so much) but I feel like i have grown up so much. I quit begging him to change. I quit expecting it for the most part.

And I am taking all kinds of steps in my life to better it for my son and myself. First off. Get. A. Job. I can pretty much say check. Its not 100% sure yet, and i very well may not get it. But I applied for the Breast Feeding Peer Counselor position at my local health dept. I could be more excited about it. I mean I love breast feeding. And I think it takes someone who has breastfeed and knows the pains and the joy of it to true understand it. And I really want to help other moms out with it. I have two friends that work at the health dept. and they put in good words for me.. heck one even recommended me for it before she knew if I would want it yet. And Ill forever love her for that.

Im also going to try to go back to school. And Im going to get my own place and how soon that one happens depends on the whole job thing. And I wont know about it until the end of the month or sometime at the beginning of August! Im also going to try to get a new car. And maybe just maybe everything will work out and my life will get back on track.

And I guess I need to start writing more often so my entries wont be so long and someone might actually read them. lol

New baby, new life... new me!

Sooo.. let me tell you how awesome my life has been since my son was born!! My life will never ever be the same. Hes my love and my life and I'm so glad that the birth control failed and lead to him. But the devil called Post-Pardom Depression came into my life when he was born too. PPD is something that I never thought would happen to me. I mean yea i had a hard pregnancy, and I had a ruff two weeks after he was born. But I just thought it was due to the baby blues and having a hard time with breast feeding. But it got worse. I never left the house and when I did the baby was always en tow. Which I thought was what a mommy was suppose to do. No one told me to take time for not only myself, but time for WH too. No one told me that if I didn't things would just keep getting worse. And guess what... things got so bad WH left me. On. Mothers. Day. I shit you not. He packed up his stuff and left me on my very first mothers day. So WH isn't WH anymore... hes baby daddy. God I never thought at 19 Id have a baby daddy. Heck I never thought I would be a single mom either! Him leaving sent me even further into depression. The only reason I just didn't stay down in that dark pit like I wanted to was the fact that Alex depends on me. No one else is there take care of him, so its my job. And as stressful as that is, I wouldn't change it for the world!! But as I am still healing from the biggest heartbreak I have ever had I actually met someone. And he puts The Baby Daddy to shame. He takes care of me. He pampers me. He pampers Alex. He has put up with my craziness for the past 2 months. He holds me while I cry, and I dont mean the two or three tears fall type of crying. I mean the body shaking, snot pouring, screaming crying. He has watched me cry my eyes out over another guy and he has still stuck by me. Im not saying we are head over heels. Im not saying hes the one. But hes is doing one hell of a job putting my heart back together... and Im just going to pray that he doesnt finish smashing it!

Yea, 35/35!

I finally made it to 35 weeks/ 35 days left.

I never thought this day would get here.. but it feels like a week ago I was just finding out that I was prego! I cant believe that my little man could be here any day. The doctor said yesterday that I was 50% effaced and still about 1 cm. Which I honestly don't know is good or bad. But since the doctor said it was OK I'm going with that! I'm not on bed rest anymore, thankfully I don't know how much more of that I could take. And I'm not on the terbutaline anymore. So as my doc but it, "if baby come, he comes" They aren't going to do anything to stop him.

I really hope he goes to 37 weeks just for my piece of mind, and so every tom, dick and harry will shut the hell up! I know they mean well I honestly do but damn BTFO. If my doctor who has delivered more baby's then you have popped out of yours says 35 weeks is OK then by George its OK and I'm not going to stress about it. Ive done more stressing out over the he said she said crap that I'm about to go nuts. I know that everyone tells you to let it go in one ear and out the other, but when its your own family constantly tell you shit over and over its hard to just smile and thanks for the advice! The best one so far is from a child hood friends mom, she says "I'm excited for you that the doctor says he ready, but I sure do hope he stays in the over a little bit longer, that would be so much better for him you know." No I honestly didn't know that, I thought he could have been born anytime and would have been fine... GRRR! Sorry prego hormones flaring up.

Speaking of crazy prego hormones... I almost had my baby shower canceled. Why you may ask? I felt like i was being a burden on my sisters who are throwing it for me.. I felt like if I didn't stay prego until then that the baby shower would be for nothing and I felt like my sisters were only doing it because I'm the baby and they think I cant provide for my child myself! I know craziness but that's the way I felt for about a week. It really doesn't help when one of them says "well I guess that we can do this, or that, but I don't think that would be very good for the party." I don't want to seem ungrateful so I gave them full reign of the party.. the only thing I got to go to help is say what flavor I want my cake, and invite some people. So as my other sister put it so wonderfully, "if we didn't want to throw it for you, we wouldnt!"

I hope i can get these damn things in check soon or else Im going to go nuts!

34 weeks!

How far along? 34 Weeks 1 day
Total weight gain/loss: Oh My God. like 53 lbs so far... WTF!!
Maternity clothes?oh yea couldnt go anywhere with out them
Sleep: still sucking more and more
Best moment this week: when I went to the doctor after my scare of pre-term labor and he said I hadnt changed...
Movement: all the time
Food cravings: whole wheat toast butter and apple jelly!
Gender: boy!!!
Labor Signs: 1 cm , about 65-70% effaced
Belly Button in or out? Out
Stretchmarks? new ones on the boobs, thighs, and hips... tons on the belly now(BOO) and oh yeah I now have some on my ass cheeks?
What I am looking forward to: Coming off bed rest and finally having my little man here!
Weekly Wisdom: If you think somethings wrong, go get checked out.
Milestones: 13 more days on Bed rest, and the baby has dropped...

Pre-term Labor

IT SUCKS!!!!

Im on Trebutaline 5mg as needed when the contractions start back. The baby has dropped and Im at 1 cm but Im not all the way effaced! Im on bed rest for the next 2 weeks because they dont want him coming before 36 weeks. Im hopeing for a non-stressful two weeks. I get cabin fever really bad so Im thinking Im going to go crazy before its over..

Good news finally got good batteries for the camera... so I have a picture to share... and yea I know I look huge!!! And of course I had to include one of Karmin!

New in 2010!

Okay so I know I haven't wrote in a while.. okay more like a couple months. But here's an update for ya.
Me and WH have moved in with my mother. Yikes.
As yall know me and my mom don't get along that great, but since we have moved in me and her have only argued once. But I think she was doing it to mostly try to make me laugh, and it didn't work so well. But back to having to move into my mamas. I hate the fact that we aren't on our own anymore. It sucks, but on the upside I do have help during the first week after Alex makes is debut. And on another upside, we are saving way more than we did before. We help mom pay the bills, help buy groceries, and WH helps around the house I would say we help around the house but I learned that once you become so pregnant that you also become handicapped. My wonderful WH wont let me lift hardly anything and sometimes it does make me mad.. but at least he is showing he cares.

As of today I'm 32 weeks and 4 days. So that's 7 weeks and 3 days left. I cant believe he is almost here. Its crazy to think about it, but I'm so excited for it. I have my first baby shower this Saturday. Wh co-workers are throwing it for me and 2 of the girls he works with. Hopefully I get alot of really neat things, but I'm not going to hold my breath. And whenever my sisters get their schedule together then I'm having another baby shower for family and friends. Lets hope they get it together soon. I'm not ungrateful its just I'm starting to stress. ALOT. and I would like to know what all me and WH need to buy. I don't want to buy a bunch of stuff and then have 20 of the same thing because of the shower... So right now its breath, and relax and just rub the belly. LOL.

Also we start birthing classes tomorrow. They are from 7 pm to 9 pm. I know we are getting a late start on them but I wanted all that stuff to be as fresh in my mind as it could be.

Oh and as soon as I get a newer picture of the bump Ill post. BTW I have gained 40+ lbs so far. YIKES!!!

Double Digits

Its offical Alex will be here in 99 days.

Im so excited I cant wait!